I’ve been attracting a few mysterious emails lately, and now I don’t seem to be able to stop them from wandering over to my inbox for a quick chat and regular bouts of “what am I even reading”.

Below we have two more Illuminati themed missives, and these ones push the boat out in terms of things you’ll probably wish you’d never been sent.

Thanks...I think

First up:

Welcome to brotherhood Illuminati occult where you can become rich famous and popular and your life story we be change totally my name is mr. george fred

MY NAME IS MR GEORGE FRED.

Sorry, do continue:

I am here to share my testimony on how I join the great Illuminati brotherhood and my life story was change immediately. I was very poor no job and I has no money to even feed and take care of my family I was confuse in life until one day I decided to join the great Illuminati occult, I come across them in the internet I never believe I said let me try I email them at illuminatibrotherhood666@[snip]

I suppose that email address would be a little more terrifying if not attached to a free web mail provider, but okay:

Through the Illuminati I was able to become rich, and have many industry on my own and become famous and popular in my country , today me and my family is living happily and I am the most happiest man here is the opportunity for you to join the Illuminati occult

That’s right, you too can be famous and popular via a top secret organisation that is, er, top secret. If you receive an offer similar to the above, just send it the way of the trash can.

Elsewhere, we have a mail which tries to be bold and mysterious by way of a shopping channel infomercial.

Run away...

Dear Friend,
We welcome you as one of the 10 selected members of the Illuminati. The Internet offers the means to reach an amazing number of people both quickly and easily, which is at once a blessing and a curse. Many people have at least heard of the term “Illuminati,” which is good. However, because of widespread conspiracy theories, a significant portion of what they have heard about the Illuminati is correct. It now seems vital to clarify these two points right up front

I think they meant “incorrect”.

1. Rich and Famous:
The Illuminati does control the entertainment industry. If instant you need fame and free money you need make ritual sacrifice of any nature. However the more sacrifice you make is the more riches and fame. make your dream come true by joining Illuminati today.

It goes from “rather dramatic” to “we’re trying to sell you a juicer” at the end there.

2. Religion:
Ritual sacrifice is required to join These do not involve the sharing of blood. The Illuminati is a nonreligious organization in exactly the same way that governments should be nonreligious.

I’m confused in exactly the same way somebody receiving one of these emails should be confused. But wait, there’s more:

Illuminati membership candidate should fill the space below:
Full Name:
Date of birth:
Country
State:
Phone No:
Occupation:
Money worth:
Email address:
Send us a photo of you.

Once they’ve grabbed some personal information to get the scam rolling, they lay down the law with the following rules:

RULES
* You must be above 18 years of age.
* You must not discuss the secret of the Illuminati to anyone.
* We are not interested in anyone who has obtained their knowledge about the Illuminati based on what they’ve HEARD from Mass Media (News or Performing Arts)

I particularly like the second rule, do not talk about Illuminati Club. Also +10 weird points for complaining about the Performing Arts. No new theater roof for you!

* Failure to compel to the order and rules of the GREAT ILLUMINATI shall see death.

…I haven’t hit publish yet, have I? What? Oh.

One of the rules of the Illuminati is “We don’t talk about the Illuminati so I can’t say too much about it here. If you are truly interested fill out the form.”

Rule 2: so important, they tell you it twice. I wonder if they do a bulk discount on soap…

Christopher Boyd